American iDOLL

As many of you know, I am a huge fan of American Idol. Unless you live under a rock, you know about American Idol, too, and are aware of what a huge phenomenon it is (you may not AGREE with its brilliance, ahemmyfianceahem, but you have to agree it's a part of pop culture).

What I love about this current part of the competition is that there are 24 singers who are all pretty good. I mean, none of them sound like cats in heat. Some have performance issues or some don't always hit every note perfectly, but bottomline, sure, they can carry a tune. In this batch of pretty good singers is THE soon-to-be-in-May-during-ratings-sweeps American Idol. I should I say iDOLL?

Let's face it. A huge part of the competition is how the contestants LOOK. If they couldn't sing at all, they wouldn't be there, but part of the pop star image is conveying a current and, well, GOOD, look. Last night the men/boys (I mention both because it is QUITE a combination of ages and appearances) sang music from the 60s in the first live studio audience performance of the seventh season. I love to take notice of how the contestants will undoubtedly change over the course of their brush with fame.

Now, some already "get it." They look the part and could easily drop in on the pages of Star and US Weekly and look like they belong.

For example, Michael Johns has a terrific look and is definitely easy on the eyes. He sang "Light My Fire" extremely well but that is neither here nor there. It doesn't matter that the judges were even into it. Bottomline, the dude can dress and perfect his hair and the show's stylists won't have to do too much work for him:

Easy on the eyes, eh?

There are, however, a few men that not only don't "get it," but left me scratching my head as to their being male at all. What is with this androgynous group of Y chromosomes in this year's American Idol?! Even handsome Michael Johns is a little pretty, but he's the most macho guy of the lot!

Good singer Danny Noriega is a great example of this Dorian Gray epidemic. It's not exactly hidden that Noriega plays on the team whose members also were probably my high school show choir dance partners and such. I mean, really, he's so flaming, he should have sung Michael John's song (it's noted above).  Between his perfectly plump lips and princess eyelashes, he is a female waiting to happen! And what's with the Carol Brady haircut? Thanks to his brunette pixie cut, they could play each other in the movie yet to be made: "The American Brady iDOLL Bunch."

Again, committing haircut-icide, is  Colton Berry who did not get a unanimous vote to proceed to the top 24; as usual, Simon is right and obviously saw something that made him unlikable. Well, Mr. Cowell, I'm with you sir, and I can't get over the haircuts these kids are sporting. He said it himself in the obviously-sponsored Coca Cola room before he performed: he looks like Ellen Degeneres. Now, don't call me an Ellen hater. I was a fan before she was ever famous (um, you put Ellen and Jeremy Piven on a TV show together in the 90s and I am a very happy young girl). But an 18-year-old guy with white eyelashes should really do something about his Ellen Everything.

Exhibit A:

 

Exhibit B:

 

I mean, c'mon, I don't blame the guy for trying to use Ellen's looks to pick up Portia de Rossi, but a) the lady is spoken for by Ms. Degeneres and b) go get your own chicks! And cut your hair! It looks bad.

Lastly, I'd like to point out the biggest fright of the evening. Well, I really don't have to as a picture is worth a thousand words, but I will leave you with these final thoughts. I truly thought that the producers had made a mistake and mixed up the night or that there was an overanxious female contestant who couldn't wait for her turn on Wednesday, because I'm not shitting you, I totally thought Garrett Haley was a girl. With a peach fuzz mustache. There. I said it. Throw tomatoes at me. But. Oh. Mah. Gawsh. 

Simon said it in the best way he could without actually telling him that he looks scary and effeminate because of his albino face, toothpick arms, and Meg-Ryan-In-"When-Harry-Met-Sally" coiffure."It was boring, your voice sounded a bit whiny, you look terrified, and it looks like you've been shut up in your bedroom for about a month — you look verging on haunted. You need some fresh air."

And so proves my point that season 7 of this world famous competition features a bunch of guys who are more like delicate porcelain dolls than believable pop stars soon to grace your iTunes homepage. No biggie. As long as Michael Johns doesn't go cosmo on us, I don't care one bit if Danny,Colton and Garrett aren't Maxim Models.

Oh, and for what it's worth: I'm thinkin' Meg Ryan hair gets the boot.